Otaku no Nikki

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Entry 15: Therapy is Gaslighting[link]

07/06/2020 I have almost reached the final part of the fate route of the fate stay/night visual novel and I am more and more convinced that I have found the most revolutionary medium. It is a pity that it is in decline but there is an opportunity for a revival. The main problem with this visual novel in particular I think is that it often feels like the protagonist's voice as a narrator always knows a bit too much about other characters' motivations. At first I expected Shirou to fit the idealist peace-lovin anime character archetype: That of an insufferable faggot which gets its way because the plot says so. Don't get me wrong Shirou has got enough plot armour to sink the iceberg which sank the titanic but at least it is played tastefully. The secs scenes were boring but I played through them anyway because they were there in the original. Unfortunately these scenes have no voice which could have been the one thing which could have redeemed them from mediocrity. Right now I am at that moment when Saber realizes that she should not exist anymore going by Shirou's autistic ideals about not changing the past because reasons. Despite this I expect an happy ending in this routte. The fight scenes are okay but I remember the fight(or flight) scenes in Steins;Gate were done much better. The music is varied and fitting but not great. The art work is clean but some of it, for example Saber's foot in the first sex scene in the ruins was just not good. Obviously it is nothing as bad as what you see in western visual novels. The game launcher was pretty neat I especially liked how the cursor moved to the save button automatically after I clicked on a save slot and similarly when I clicked on a scene to load it the cursor automatically focused on it. It took a while to get used on how the text box covers the entire screen rather than just the bottom of it like in a game. It gave the whole thing a more novel like or illustrated book like feel. I for one liked it.

Until recently I thought there was no such thing as gaslighting and relegated it to the same paranoid region of nonsense as dog whistling. Watching an interview by some indian doctor called healthygamer or something with some 35 year old british incel has convinced me otherwise. From the very start the indian doctor basically has a model of rationality which is basically formal logic and any mode of thinking or evidence which does not fit this model is dismissed and diagnosed as anomalous thinking. To be honest this kind of behaviour basically begs the patient to pretend to agree with the psychiatrist for the duration of the session. Psychiatry is pretty much a cottage industry within sociology so that is where the germ comes from as usual. Basically there is this idiotic assumption going around that there is this perfect form of rationality to be found in formal logic. i.e. A is A. For example they present participants a statement and question like:

If Helen was a feminist in college then after college is she more likely to a. Be a bank-teller. b. Be a bank-teller and part of the feminist movement. By the way the sentence is constructed common sense dicates that b. is the more likely though formal logic dicates that a. is more probable because there is no world in which a. can be true while b. is false. That is because a normal human being reads that sentence as implying that it is a foregiven that Helen is a bank teller.

This is of course all contrived bullshit as it is not how human beings communicate with each other in real life we have to be economical with our words unlike in academic life. We do not act in a world where we have perfect information so it is more economical for the mind to depend on various shortcuts which take into account our ignorance about the world.

Formal logic on the other hand cannot take into account our ignorance, basically garbage in garbage out. For example it is true that it is extremely unlikely that you will get hit by lightning on a stormy day or that the plane that you are on will crash or that you will be a victim in a terrorist attack whereas it is more likely that you will be involved in a vehicular accident or under estimate the risks of diabetes.

The retards who write the research psychiatry is based on will then declare that this means that individual human rationality is more prone to mistakes than the formal logic which they use to divine the truth about the world. Academics are basically witch-doctors. Of course what this self-serving and self-glorifying analysis of intellectuals brandishing their method (not they themselves, the slimy weasels) is closer to the truth ignores that it is reasonable to not care about politicians when voting because your votes counts for little compared to the strenght of small organized minorities, that no matter how risky it is to drive on the road you need to do it to survive/prosper and being a nervous wreck about it is useless, that you don't know the conditions of the plane you are on or the weather and typography at that particular time and place on a stormy day, that terrorist attacks imply deeper cultural problems and so need to be treated more seriously than road accidents and that even if you do get diabetes you are more likely to get cheap healthcare (usually tax/theft funded/subsidized) whereas if a plane you are on crashes a mortician can't do much for you.

To put it bluntly most progress has been thanks to industrialists but academics, our priesly/leech class, have stolen the industrialist's thunder because it is intelletcuals who set the tone for morality and truth. The irony of it of course is that this leeching, thieving intellectual class has been bred exactly through and by the excess capital produced by industrialists. Basically rather than taking part in training related to their actual careers a large number of the youth is able to waste their time in supposedly "scientific" academic studies under the promise that this will lead to a position in the upper class and when these expectations remain inevitably unmet at the end of their academic education they turn their academic output to the purpose of glorifying themselves by any means necessary including demonizing their betters. Sure they may expouse egalitarian ideals but they always picture themselves as in the command positions of a future society, as the philosopher kings with their otherwordly platonic ideal/model of rationality and objectivity revealing their hatred tarted up as love.

There is a tendency on the internet to go from having a belief in something to be ironic about it (take ironic weebs for instance) - to pretend not to really believe in what they are saying and finally after so much posturing about believing anything, everything they, nay we finally end with believing in nothing. But what if it is the other way around? From believing in nothing, to nothing in particular, to something ironically and then seriously. Maybe the process goes either way even back and forth. Intellectuals are afraid about this which is why there is all this talk about dog whistling to nazis and whatever unlike their autistic model of reason through formal logic where they get to set the premises they have no control of humour which is why they are afraid of it and even when they try to co-op it, it comes off as more meanspirited than humourous just like their supposedly rational, unbiased and objective tracts.

Yesterday I guided my dad with the ancient gps thing which seems to be surprisingly running on windows or something (as I get program-name.exe not working errors) to a cash and carry in a little town near Glasgow. On the way back we passed through some very pretty hilly sites and a long and pretty blue bridge which I do not know the name of. This reminded me that Scotland actually is beautiful as I am stuck in this little town trying to make a living and study a subject I could not care less about if I wanted to. The Italian-speaking Scotsman who comes to our shop every Saturday and Sunday morning for his breafast (a 70 cl glens vodka bottle and some menthol cigarettes) said that he got a law degree from Oxford and didn't do much with it. I suck at judging people's ages but he looks as though he was university age in the 60s if not much later than that so it is not surprising as that is when the everybody must get academic college level education started. Incidentally socialist societies have very competitive educational systems as climbing climbing the ladder in that priestly class becomes the only way to rise in class.

Entry 14: Tooth Ache, Fate stay night, Babel 2-sei[link]

28/05/2020 I have a tooth ache. I hope it doesn't get worse because looking a dentist in this lockdown nonsense is gonna be a pain. The weather is getting a bit too warm here in Scotland.

I finally started reading the Fate Stay night visual novel. The protagonist is a bit annoying what with his talk about being a hero and whatnot. Sakura is annoying, too sweet of a girl and her brother Shinji is even more annoying because it seems that he is a scumbag merely to make our protagonist whose name I can't remember look better. Rin is clearly the best girl. Archer is fine too.

I read quite a few chapters of Babel Nisei, a manga from ancient times that the author of JoJo's Bizare adventures used to like when he was sixteen years old. The characters look quite a bit cartoonish and the settings look like they are from some big movie. The paneling and the amount of text are thankfully sparse unlike western comics which often look more like illustrated novels than comics.Another thing which I couldn't help but note is the lack of female characters. The OVA had quite a bit of female characters. Nothing has been lost by the lack of female characters other than the possibility for porn doujins. The story is quite fast paced and not even trying to look smart but I like how the villain in this story, Yomi, does not deliberately sabotage himself out of pure evilness like in some morality play. I hate it when stories make you feel that if only the villain were not an overconfident prick then he could have won. Instead in this case the good guy probably has an advantage but the bad guy often puts two and two together without ever making me feel as yet "what if he had done that instead" every obvious possibility is explored and the protagonist to use one of his cards (though he sometimes pulls them out of his arse). Let me warn you that this is not a smart story but it has more of a big budget film feel like old manga from Osamu Tezuka make you feel. Basically these mangaka are using manga as a poor man's big budget movie. A lot of manga and anime today feel more like novels than films basically it is more about the characters than the setting and big events these days. This is probably why mecha anime/manga are not as popular. Also space exploration has taken a back seat to video games(i.e. virtual worlds) in the imaginations of nerds and Japanese otaku so there is that too. The giant leap into space never materialized. There was a time when there was a lot of manga and anime about people with psychic powers. I am thinking about X/1999 and other urban fantasy stuff by Clamp, Yu Yu Hakuso etc... The last hurrah of this kind of anime I think was Shakugan No Shana which I believe was popular in the early 2000s but I watched much later anyway.

I have been thinking about the French revolution lately. This morning I was listening to a lecture about Nietzche's Geneaology of Morals. I have already read that book but I am forgetful so the youtube lecture felt fresh to me. The lecturer mentioned that Nietzche thought the French Revolution was a failure because it replaced the last vestiges of French classical nobility from the Reinassense.I have seen historians claim that the dark ages were a myth but I have grown a bit skeptical about modern historians lately to be honest. N's explanation of guilt coming from the relationship between a debtor and a creditor felt a bit obscure to be honest. N's observation that social mores become loser as the community/state becomes more powerful and so resistant to small deviances from norms. Or in other words small tribes in the past were more restrictive and less free is a much more historically plausible view rather than the view which states that primitive man which lived in small groups was freer from social rules.

There seems to have been a general leveling off since the revolution, and the industrial revolution too I suppose. Has this been a good thing for culture? Certainly there is more culture but any genuine admiration or idealism seems to be laughable as we or at any rate I have come to think like utilitarians like Jonathan Swift or Voltaire. There is always some kind of irony in stating one's ideals like they are there mainly there for roleplay, style over substance and acting purposes rather than anything real. Without any real admiration I don't think that there can be a justifiable hierarchy but hierarchies do naturally form out of necessity so this leads to a lot of indignations on those at the bottom of the hierarchy and guilt for those at the top because no one really believes that logically they can justify to others their station in life. People who cannot stand this go and live alone in the woods or perhaps some rural setting where the basis for hierarchy feels more tangible in an immediate sense though a moment of abstract thinking should reveal to them that the inequality in status between the rural people is no more or less fair than in the urban regions they escaped from.

There is no more space for nobility as it has been replaced by a saintly priestly class. Basically power worship has been displaced by worship of faith. Faith in what? In the ideals of the revolution. What are these ideals? The desire for a world where men are free and equal. This desire may currently be unfeasible due to economic scarcity but if and when global production ends economic scarcity it should be feasible on paper. With that out of the way what remains is the question whether it is a desireable end state? Nietzche says no. Why? I am not sure but I think he believes it will lead the way for a world of mediocre but happy men who he calls names like "the last man." These will be peaceful sheep-like, collective, agreable, non-violent men. Basically everyone will be like the stereotypical midlle-class, middle-aged woman of no ambition and with plenty of similarly vacuous and satisfied middle-class, middle-aged women with no ambition. N says that by losing the man whom we can fear from history we have also lost the man we can respect. What N describes as the last man of course is not human rather they are the noble race of horses from Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's travels who are such a boring race that I can't even remember what they are called even though every other idiotic race in that book is so memorable. For now the desire to subjugate others, what N calls the will to power and the desire to worship the powerful exist in us in conflict with a belief that this desire is wrong but suppose that we could remove these desires for power and to worship power and become moral saints (N's last man) that sounds like a fate slightly better than hell in that it is devoid of pain... but it is tempting to say that this is a desire for death almost, to be as alive as a corpse. Perhaps a joyful corpse but a corpse nonetheless like in those descriptions of heaven that make it sound like such a boring place that it makes the psychology of the happy souls in heaven sound deranged beyond all human thought and consciousness. Like Winston Smith professing his love for Big Brother after his head has been vacated of any free thought.

Having said all this I cannot seriously advocate for some sort of aristocracy without suffering from severe attacks of irony like I don't really mean it. I cannot believe in the nobility of the landed gentry anymore than I can believe in God. Actually I would be more likely to believe in God than in the nobleness of aristocrats. At least I cannot see God and judge him but with landowners it is another story. What should I do? Go tilt at wind-mills like Don Quixote? That would just be larping(live action role playing). The Japanese word for it is Chuunibyou. Well, I suppose at least I will be dead by the time industry and the state will have polished the last man into his final self-deodorating form and the future is not certain, I mean do you remember the soviet union? It used to be a big deal. History's clock may be violently or silently set back or perhaps there is a future for individual human ambition that will seek to outdo and grow further beyond even after any material need to grow and to compare each other will be gone.

The Soviet Union is mentioned in passing along with the united states in Babel Nisei. Old manga like devilman, babel nisei and futuristic anime like gunbuster all talk of the soviet union which I find funny because in none of these is there any sign of the impending doom of that union rather instead it is talked about as if it were something real like the Grand Canyon, Mount Fuji, the river Tiber or the White Cliffs of Dover whereas these days there are a lot of young people who do not even know that there was such a place as the soviet union and for those who do know about it, it is mostly from video games and/or as a way to virtue signal one way or the other to members of whatever group they belong to. Who knows the United Kingdom and the United States may go the way of the Soviet Union and I may outlive them just as many did not expect to outlive the Soviet Union.

The free wifi is so bad tonight I am getting flashbacks of dial-up noises. I hope I will be able to post this today even if in four minutes it will be tommorow.

Entry 13: The Proof of The Pudding Is In The Eating[link]

25/05/2020 As I expected this website is going nowhere fast... I have already run out of ideas for new pages and soon I am going to run out of ideas for these diary entries too.

Walked in the park for an hour. Skipped online classes because I am losing the will to live in class. I dropped that gay catboy romance space opera cause the author changed Lesa's gender and name and it got confusing. It's not the author's fault though, it's just that my head is too full of worries to use my head to fill in the details.

I have been meaning to and putting off reading the fate stay night visual novel forever. The title for this entry is just a phrase I came across recently on two occasions and I think I like it.

Today I found out that the same voice actress for Misato from Evangelion voiced Usagi from Sailor Moon. She also voiced Ju Ju from an old OVA called Babel Nisei which I am watching the OVA. I might read the manga too if it has Ju Ju's character because I remember I thought she was hot when I watched the OVA a long time ago. The MC didn't look as young to me back then but maybe that was just because I was younger back when everything was not shit.

I am in a worse mood than usual as I feel a bit too aimless to enjoy any anime in particular. Back in the day I used to be able to watch a lot of anime but now commiting myself to watching a twenty minute episode seems to be a huge commitment. My tastes used to be a lot broader and I used to enjoy almost anything I watched which is why now I am trying to rewatch a lot of anime I randomly watched when I was young and everything was not shit. You could say that now I have "taste" but I wonder if that is good thing if being picky means that I can't enjoy myself and spend my days in a cross mood.

These days I read a lot of ongoing manga than I used to. Manga just doesn't feel as much a big commitment as anime because I can read faster than I can watch anime and also it is easier to stop reading a manga chapter midway and pick it up again from there than it is to pause an anime episode and play it again because it breaks continuity.

Apparently the mangaka of JoJo's Bizarre adventures really liked Babel Nisei when he was 16 years old. I don't like JoJo though JoJo memes are fine and all. I have only watched the first three seasons of JoJo and then I gave up. Just finished the first episode. JuJu was not as hot as I remembered her though I still hold that 80s women's hairstyles looked better than they do today. Everything and everything looks so dull today or maybe I am just being nostalgic for a time in which I was not alive in again. Nostalgia sells probably even more than sex sells.

The Temple of the Golden Pavillion is a novel about an arsonist buddhist monk by a gay far right Japanese writer called Yukio Mishima. The arsonist monk has a deformed foot and he is somewhat obsessed with the titular temple's beauty. The setting is wwii and post wwii Kyoto, Japan. The arsonist monk feels sad that he was not destroyed along with the temple and that the temple persisted as something beautiful which was worthy of existing which went against his buddhist teachings. He views the temple at one end of the scale of beauty and himself at the other end. I have felt something similar too in the past though I can't feel it any longer, a kinship with England, an illusion of a shared fate of decline and fall. I say it is an illusion because to fall and decline one must have been somewhere up high which is true for England but for me at best it was only the hope, the possibility that I could have risen which disappeared, nothing more. Unlike Japan England was not occupied but it went through many of the same humiliations. I guess you could say that by tying my own fate in my head to that of a more tragic and greater entity I hoped that some of its worth would rub off on me. After all there is a kind of equality in things that die together.

I sometimes wonder whether this obsession to create something, to place labour over consumption is stupid in its own way. A lot of people who watched the movie whiplash felt inspired but I felt the opposite - like what the protagonist was trying to achieve was retarded and the moral message was not to try to be great, to be ordinary, to be a consumer rather than a creator of things. And yet... somehow I cannot rationally set myself to be a passive consumer. It is to scratch that itch after all that this incredibly vain site was created.

The internet is pretty slow today so it takes forever for kissanime to load. I could just torrent it but at this time it is pretty much stockholm syndrome for me when it comes to kissanime. This anime has some really cool desings and pretty colours too though not there are quite a few shortcuts to limit the amount of animation. Ju Ju isn't as sexy as I remembered her but I hope she is there in the manga cause she is a pretty character.

I fear that I have already run out things to say and I am going to repeat myself until I can't do it anymore. This is why every attempt at blogging by me has been aborted prematurely. I have started and abandoned so many blogs that I can't remember what the first one was even called. Some of them had pretty neat ideas behind them which may have been viable like a blog in which I just analyzed a quote or something like that. I had the most responses on wordpress.com though that site has now become too full of banners and ads to be of any use. I am kind of glad that there isn't a proper comment section here on neocities because I think what killed my will to write the most was the complete lack of comments to my blogs. By this point most of my writing must be in youtube comments scattered through out the youtube channels I watch. The reason for this is that it is much more easier to get replies to comments on youtube which meant it felt like someone was reading them.

I feel that because we live in a society where we are distanced to the means of production we have come to idolize the process of production and to disdain consumption. I am getting flashbacks to my dial-up internet days. The characters for the Babel Daisei OVA were designed by the same guy who designed the Saint Seiya and Rose of Versailles characters tv series character designs. As with Versailles and Seiya the protagonist looks androgynous and dare I say cute and as with Saint Seiya there is something gay about seeing said androgynous character get constantly tortured in battle. The truth is that the process of production including art is tedious, dull, irritating and often painful. The last, pain may go with pleasure but never tedium, dullness and irritation which is why it is only the pain which is ever talked about. Consumption is the opposite but it is not edifying because it is not painful with enough intensity. When people say that something is "difficult" or "hard" to do what that often means is that it involves some kind of suffering to achieve it. Are masochists the most edifying people then? Unfortunately not because their suffering is unusually in the form of consumption which makes my reasoning cirular and so nonsensical. I guess people want the proof in the eating of the pudding too rather than just in the making of the pudding.

Finished episode 2. Nothing more to add except that the romance felt like it had more to it when I was eight years old and even later. Whatever. I like the city-scape at night at the start of episode 3. City's really do look better at night. Even London looks pretty at night.

Entry 12: Broken Glass And Gay Catboy Space Opera[link]

24/05/2020 I went to work at the shop this morning and spent most of the time wracking my brain for content to add to this site. My dad was late to bring the goods in from the warehouse because it was closed and he had to wait until it opened. While both me and dad were working at the counter some ginger working class man tried to buy two items for the price of one when we refused he just punched the glass cover dad had spent two hundred pounds and I had carefully ordered the pieces for. When we threatend him with calling the police he just laughed it off as nothing. This is a typical specimen of the working class here in Scotland anyway and I have no reason to believe it is any different anywhere else in Britain. The British working class is entitled, lazy, ignorant, alcoholic, lacking in gentility, dumb, cheap, violent, materialistic and generally devoid of any virtue and full of hurt pride. This is all incidentally also true of the American blacks.

By the "British working class" I do not necessarily mean that it as an economic bracket. For instance the many economically poor nerds on the internet talking about anime on 4chan and reddit are not working class. The most distinct features of the British working class are their lack of culture and incomprehensible way of speaking. The kind of people I am speaking about tend to care about things like soccer.

This cannot be excused by pointing out the humiliation that the working class faces because we nerds have faced a lot of humiliation of our own and yet we are not violent and retarded like the working class.

The reason that the right keeps losing whereas the left keeps winning, I think is because the mainstream right appeals to the working class who are dying a deserved death in alchol, their own urine and shamed for their boorishness by the left. The left on the other hand appeals to the elite, the educated and the cultured which is why the future belongs to the left. The truth about the working class is that it will follow whatever the elite says. It is unable to lead or create anything and right now exists by leaching off of the productive people like my parents who are forced to pay taxes to these unproductive AND entitled leeches devoid of any intellect and sometimes I suspect whether they are even capable of thinking about things like culture. That is if the right does not up its contempt for the working man openly just as the left does then there is no future for the right. How does the left air its contempt of the working class? Why with all the talk of racism and so on they are attacking the working class and not the rich because it is the working class which is the most racist, sexist and nationalistic.

It is the love and pity for the working man by the rich who feel as if they don't deserve what they have which has loosened up the enforcement of justice against this vermin. After that ginger broke our glass my mother discussed with the previous owner whether to call the police but he advised us against this as the police would just be dilly dallying and not take it seriosly. Why would they when this society places thought/hate crimes above infringements on private property. There are no police officers on the street ever except when they come to harass us about selling some item the state doesn't like us selling like bloody menthol cigarretes. No wonder there are video cameras in Britain everywhere otherwise the working class would steal with impunity knowing no shame and no honour. What I want to emphasize is that I and you reader who are not of the working class do not act in this disgusting manner even if we are as poor if not poorer than the working class. This is not about the lack of policing and the abundance of cctv cameras, these are merely symptoms but the problem is that the working class is scum and ought to be treated as such. In fact I would go as far as to argue that the reason that more and more limitations have to be placed on us by the powerful arm of the state is because they are scum. In marxist parlance these would be the lumpenploretariat but scum is an appropriate term for them too.

After that subhuman ginger working-class man damaged our shop my dissapointment was immeasurable and my day was ruined or so I thought until I came across a little bit of culture by a fellow nerd on neocities called Nyafka. A web novel about a romance between a catboy prince and a human general. It is called The Future Is Also A Memory. The navigation is a bit shit because it doesn't say on which chapter you are on though you can get that by the url. There is also no link to the table of contents though there is one. The visited links do not change colour in the table of content unfortunately. Would be nice too if each page had a unique title so it is easier not to get lost. Thankfully the author has provided previous page and next page links. The contrast between the grey text and the grey background is not enough so I always have to highlight the text with my mouse to see it properly then again I have a poor person LCD monitor from fifteen years ago or something perhaps it looks better on newer monitors with more colours. I also didn't like the centred text at first as I believe text other than titles should always be aligned left since that is we anglos start reading but after a while it stopped bothering me because the text is not that dense after all. The start was a bit bumpy and it took me a while to understand what is going on and to tell the characters apart but 38 pages in I think I have a pretty good grasp of who is who. I think that the romance was way too fast to estabilish but I am used to anime romances in which it takes hundreds of chapters/episodes for the protagonist to say "I love you" and hold hands at the end. It is better that the author got rid of it at the start so that the romance adds flavour to the story rather than slowing it down or something. Anyway I am interested in the setting/story progression. I would prefer if the empire were shown in a bit more positive light and the republic in a more negative light because otherwise it feels too one sided and a simple conflict between good guys and bad guys though to be fair it is as good as an excuse as any for a gay catboy romance in space. In particular I really hope that the empire has some good justifications to be against contraceptives rather than it just being just because the empire is evil. Cat girls are retarded so I am glad to see some more catboy love. My favourite catboy is the one from Hellsing Ultimate, I think he was called Schrondinger, after Schrondinger's cat who seems to be more popular in Japanese pop culture than in Western pop culture. I mean that cat popped out in Steins Gate too and Daru said that the Japanese otaku are really into it and can't get enough of it. I expected the catboy be the one to be protected but tis' the other way around apparently.

The latest nasal spray I got actually hits the spot. I may be able to breathe and sleep this spring. What is homework but a miserable pile of secrets? I have switched my main browser from pale moon to the brave browser. The advantages that Pale Moon provides in terms of a sane user interface especially in tab management are nullified for the most part if you use browser keybindings to surf the web especially to switch tabs. Now I just use vimium plus control tab and control page up down to switch between tabs. If I had a better computer I would have still used pale moon. Also I really need the onetab addon but that might go away come Pale Moon version 30. I have still set it as my main browser on my computer so that I don't stop using it entirely and so I can keep any eye on improvements. Maybe with Tab Mix Plus I can get it to be faster by unloading other tabs and just locking those which I want - see what I meant by sane tab management but I am not bothered and I am a bit curious about BAT too... This isn't good bye just a see you later.

The gnome mahjong solitaire is fun. It is a pity that windows ten no longer has them. The gnome mahjong game has no sound which is both good and bad as I remember the microsoft mahjong game had both good and annoying sounds. Also there are no hints which is good because hints is what destroyed the microsoft games for me. Ah actually it does have hints sadly. It has ten whole layouts I am excited to play them! I wonder how many people got interested in the real game of mahjong from this matching game. The tiles are pretty that's the draw.

>Entry 11: Homo Homo Cynicus[link]

20/05/2020 I went for a walk this afternoon with my sister at the park nearby. There were too many people but I am glad people don't take Coronachan seriously. We mostly complained about our parents and relatives, well I was mostly egged on by her but still...Scottish architecture is too stony and pointy for my tastes. I prefer the bricks in England and even more in Italy.

If you believe that morality can be taught and so ought to be taught then you believe in social engineering.

I was working at the shop this morning. On my way back home I bought a chicken after staying in a cue to go to the supermarket for the first time in my laifu. Is this what it felt like to stay in a cue for bread in the soviet bloc except colder und longer?

I listened to some TJ Kirk(Amazing Atheist) video for old times sake. I have become a lolbertarian since then though I am still an atheist. I feel like TJ has remained where he was whereas I have moved to the right in economics but maybe it is not limited to that. TJ criticised some murican lolbertarian party member running for president for not making any sense by being against abortion but saying that it should be left upto local state legislatures rather than just saying that he would try to ban/limit abortion from above as the US president.

After all, TJ says, if he believes that abortion is murder how can he allow it to happen if he had the power to do something about it? Should other forms of murder be legalized too if local authorities want it? And why limit it to the state? Should every county be able to have different laws on such fundenmental matters as the rights of the individual? Should one street allow for slavery because those who live in it are okay with whereas the next street adjacent to it not allow slavery because those in it are don't want it? TJ also likens it to how the issue of gay marriage in America was finally settled from above by the supreme court rather than waiting for local popular opinions of state jurisdictions to get on with the times. TJs logic is faultless but incomplete, that is he lacks the instinct to feel that as far as possible people should have the power to live under the laws that they make and that the farther and thinner the loci of power is spread and in the fewer hands and minds this power is concentrated the more likely an authoritarian purity spiral is likely as the real on the ground consequences are obscured in favour of real power acting on abstract principles in the managerial mind derived from reason and unnacountable to the lived actual wellbeing of the people it is imposed on.

The use of statistics is often not enough to counterbalance this detachment from the real conditions and effects not only because of activism in social research but because of the cultural detachment between those who are wielding power and those upon whom it is wielded on depends to a large extent on geography. Mass communication and transport has created a national culture between cities, a mass consensus, but what lies between still has a soul of its own which in time may willingly come to be a part of the greater whole but I think should be a willing conversion and even a conversation/exchange rather than Emperor Constantine declaring Chrisanity as the official state religion and banning all the other faiths.

This principled, rational, moralizing and ultimately totalitarian thinking is not exclusive to the priestly class that is the leftwing intelligentzia though it is the most advanced. TJ goes on to read a preachy feminist comic about hook up culture is exist and oppresive to minorities as his final item on his livestream. After going through it he concludes that although he doesn't disagree with it massively he should still be allowed to go through life without going through somekind of Kantian algorithmic text-book of morality censoring every naturally occuring thought in his head in favour of a more rational and moral utilitarian thought. By this admission I think he betrays at least a slight bias towards a bottom-up sort of impure society full of living real lives rather than a world of saintly puppets living hyegienic lives like Plato's empty soulless world of forms or the ridiculous and ultimately inhuman and unhappy pictures of judeo-Christian-islamic heaven.

Academic Agent had a livestream with two young ultra-Catholics from Commierfornyanyanya with very similar sounding voices to the point I could not tell them apart sometimes. The stream was about the use of power and the thumbnail was Tolkien's Sauron's ring of power. The two catholics defended the use of power. This stream started as a responsive to AA's Unpopular Opinons podcast where the liberal-anglo-welsh-protestant-atheist-texan-lolberterian co-hosts threw a fit when one of the two ultra-Catholics who was present said that the state should use its power to ban pornography and other forms of degeneracy because there is nothing wrong with power in itself and that depends on how power is used and that the western right keeps losing to the left because the right believes in Liberty too much whereas the left correctly has no qualms about using state and commercial power to ban, persecute, censor, deplatform and exclude what it regards immoral. According to Endavour(that was that ultra-Catholic's name) the right should follow the left's example because there is nothing wrong about using power against evil and just as the left believes the right to be evil so too the right should believei about the left and act accordingly. The other more popular ultra-catholic is called The Distributist.

The aim of AA's stream was to find the limits of the legitimate use of power, especially the kind of power which comes from above, the state and commerce. AA asked whether the right should go full Stalin and kill an entire society and start from a blank state as practical as possible. Both ultra-Catholics pussied out. AA concluded that their limit was outright murder. Endavour in response whined saying that Jesus was powerful but in a different way than Stalin. A cheesy chat comment from AA's lolbertarian audience responded that "The only difference between Jesus and Stalin is that Jesus only had twelve followers." When AA brought up The Ring, Endavour (I think it was Endavour, these two commie-fornyan ultracatholics had the same voice) said that Sauron's ring represented evil rather than power. To be fair to Endavour Sauron's ring was always retarded.

AA attributes cynicism to the generation X personified in the character of Daria. For a real life example he provides Steve Bannon who according to AA says some edgy stuff but then makes a smile or something to indicate that he doesn't really mean it and is really just being ironic about it. Another example for this is the "ironic weeb" - people like Gigguk who say stuff like "anime is trash and so am I" but doesn't really mean it but also really means it. This phenomenon however is much older, for example I was listening to an old probably lefty certainly Americunt intellectual say about Goethe's Werthe novel that many young men killed themselves following Werther's example because it was the fashionable thing to do in Germany, on a similar note some middle class feminist young woman on a BBC radio program derisively called it The Cult of Sensitivity. This is nothing new of course, Diogenes living in a tub and masturbating in public comes to mind. Socrates and Aristotle too are of this tradition who yearn to bring what is above them to the level of what is crawling on the ground beneath them on an equal plane beneath their "reason" and rationality. Newton too does this in science which is why Goethe attempted and tragically failed to debunk Newtonian physics further damaging any legitimacy of the feelings, of perception. Kant is nothing but pure reason with an unjustified dash of Christian ethics.

Without reason all that is left is feelings and the group says the objectivist jewish atheist parody song rapper Rucka Rucka Ali. He is not wrong but with reason and without feeling how can you have any romanticism which is what his philosophy Objectivism tries to marry with reason. I suppose he would say that reason is ultimiately individualistic because it is individuals who can reason not groups. AA ever the methodological individualist would say that even when human beings act in a group there is always some sort of leader which means that it is still an individual who makes the desicions, or maybe a small group at the top which usually has a leader but never "a general will" be it a nation, a corporation or whatever. Ayn Rand herself supposedly I have heard did not believe that cigarettes caused her cancer because it was just the opinion that a bunch of experts touted not one a conclusion that she came through her own logic. This is certainly romantic but is it rational? It doesn't appear so after all reason would have supposedly aided her survival over her individual will, no? Rand herself did not tolerate much against her individual will in her group though it could be argued that is better than being in a group of people which pretends to agree for the sake of pleasantries and slowly unravels into schismatic sects who mutually despise each other than their opponents or even worse transform into a milder version of their opponents such as the Conservative Party in the UK which is said to be the left running under the speed limit.

I watched a bunch of clips and reviews of "Withnail and I." One of the reviews was by Millenial Woes, an A'murican far right youtuber giving a speech in the UK. I believe it was called Withnail and I viewed from the right. MW does not have a very masculine voice and neither do I which is why I write rather than record videos of myself speaking like him. He was not clean shaven but he did speak in that weird accent of people like William Buckley and Gore Vidal which makes you wonder where in the United States people speak like that. The audience by the loud working class male announcer and slightly rowdy audience did not seem particularly high IQ or high class which seems to be norm with these far right meetings. The audience to Jonathan Bowden's lectures for example always sounded boorish and quite beneath Mr. Bowden's intelligence. Frankly I share AA's feeling that Bowden was wasted on those audience of British working class men and women who sought a rabble rouser from their own intellectual strata and class and not an intellectual like Bowden. Notably I have seen any questions been asked at Bowden's recorded lectures though maybe he didn't like answering questions or there was no time left for audience questions which makes me suspect that there was no demand for it from the audience.

Millenial Woes gave a short overview of the plot and the characters of Whitnail and I. I kind of found it a bit cringy how he felt he needed to say that this was very British but that is something I have felt whenever ANY American says about something that is British that it is very British or something to that effect because it feels like they are ignorant about Britain by their lack of specificifity even though they may not actually be ignorant at all - it just feels like that. It was a pretty competent overview which I shall not attempt at repeating here because I suck at giving overviews of stories. I suck at a lot of other things too, most of them in fact. Now I can't remember what I was going to say anymore or if I was going to say anything. MW basically argues that Withnail, Marwood and Monty would have a place in society in 1890 whereas now since the 1960s they are merely objects of ridicule. MW also has a boring section at the end where he lists the morals to be learned from Withnail and I while making the best impression of a newly ordained priest giving his simple sermon of platitudes to live a virtuous life by so I will ignore those. Except for Danny who would have a place in any society according to MW, the drug dealing drug addled hippie whose lines go like this: "All hair dressers are in the service of the government. Hair are your aerials man, they pick up the signals from the cosmos & direct them into your brain!." If only my parents would listen I wouldn't need to get an aircut.

MW also has a very negative image of Marwood who may have been let off easily by the plot due to the fact that he was a self-insert by the protagonist for the director and who according to MW is filled with resentment and cynicism at Withnail which shows up momentarily when Marwood mocks Withnail for not being able to get a job as an actor. For example when Withnail says something like that his parents were not happy for Withnail to be on stage Marwood replies that then they should be delighted with Withnail's career. Whether Marwood is filled with resentment or not I think it would be fair to say that Withnail is a romantic. I also believe that MW is naive to think that a romantic like Withnail or for that matter Monty would find a purpose more easily in Victorian England than in modern England. Monty would fund a theatre rather than engaging in meaningless pursuits. If only running a theatre were anything as simple. He seems to I believe have an image of rich kindly old men in Charles Dickens novels but the truth is that more likely than not Monty would not have the money to run a theatre whereas Whitnail rather than some sort of pioneering romantic sailor working and exploring far away in the Empire as MW says he would have remained in England and got some kind of managerial job to maintain and safeguard whatever wealth his aristocratic parents handed down to him. As for Marwood unlike whatever unlikely fate MW ascribed to him(I can't remember which means it was not that memorable) he would probably grow even more class conscious in an environment where only intense education has any chance of guaranting a middle class existance and failing that go and work somewhere in Empire like Orwell did and grow to hate class above him even more which would appear to exist leisurely back in England and/or discharge that powerlessness he experienced back home in England on some coolies in the Empire.

The fate that MW ascribes to Monty, of running a theatre, funnily enough corresponds with Goethe's Wilhem Meister's fate who unlike Woes' aristocrat is a merchant who worked his way up by first abandoning completely the arts in his life and later after having acrued enough wealth melding this two together, his materialist self concerned with money and his artistic self by funding a theatre trouphe. The flaw in MW's thinking is that the truth is that Monthy and Withnail could have worked to do those things if they had put their mind to it more easily in the modern world than in the past. The only thing I think of that MW implies that Monthy and Withnail lacked is that they have not been groomed to be their role by those immediately around them and by the expectations of society. MW sees a lot of resentment in people like Marwood who have effectively groomed themselves, Marwood literally at the end does groom his appearance for his big theatre role, resentment against aristocrats who have been handed their big, superior role by society. I guess MW would not have liked Wilhem Meister that much though to be fair there is a lot of resentment against priviledge and the reason that priviledged peoples are objects of ridicule, setting aside the long history of mockery of authority in British culture it is true that this mockery became unusually full of invective after the first and second world war. MW says nothing about whether these priviledged people deserve this ridicule for their unfair (though he would not openly admit it is unfair I think or maybe in a roundabout way of saying "the world is unfair generally so look somewhere else") advantage but MW implies that regardless of this of whether it is unfair or fair it is useful for society for priviledged people, for there are always going to be priviledged people, to be treated with respect expectations of heroism, nobility and chivalry, of a noblesse oblige.

As AA points out there is a paranioa in leftwing minds that behind capitalism really there is feudalism. Well, here on the fringe of the far right there appears to be an element which corresponds to their fears. Earlier I emphasized the working class credentials of those came of MW's Bowden's speech event because I wanted to draw a contrast between the messengers of such a elitist feudalism and the actual audience of commoners for it. This relationship is almost reversed in leftwing events where it is the elite and future elite from universities who preach egalitarianism to each other. Another way to look at it I guess is that the willingness and desire to be led like sheeple is to be found across all classes though I doubt this creates unwilling rulers. But it is not only the audience but Millenial Woes himself, not so much Bowden, after who is Millenial Woes? Just some other guy on the internet just like me who would be a nobody just like Marwood in his beloved feudal past.

Entry 10: Unabomber Is An Idiot [link]

19/05/2020A few years ago I recall reading Haruki Murakami vomiting a bunch of vague nonsense saying that he felt unabomber was an intelligent fellow who had some points effectively. The absolute state of our left-wing intelligentzia can be seen by this statement. Anyway on recommendation of Luke Smith I have started reading his explosively attention whoring manifesto. He sounds retarded (i.e. like an intellectual). If you want to read an actually entertaining psycho manifesto I recommend Elliot Rodger's one. Here is a man thinking entirely in abstracts without any historical knowledge. Uncle Ted, as Luke calls him, has reached a peak autism from both ends of the horse-shoe shaped spectrum autism: on the one end we get the noble savage nonsense and on the other end we get the super-fascist nonsense about Kali Yuga.

First: We do not know the psychology of prehistorical human beings, by definition they have no written history. We don't know if they were happier than we were because there were no studies or records of it therefore all speculation about their psychological well-being is pure speculation that cannot be compared with the better documented modern psychology of human beings. Second: The morality that we have today is nothing new nor is there any evidence that there it is enforced any more forcefully because: Third: Our morality is and always has been enforced by a small group. Sure we may live in larger and more urban civillizations but our socialization and moral dictates come from a small group, family and relations usually unless you are some kind of orphan. Fourth: No sex/love isn't some kind of biological need, in prehistory there is good genetic reason to believe that most men did not reproduce whereas most women did suggesting poligamy and yet we do not know anything about the psychology of these sexless men because they lived under more physical restraint than we do so it is very possible that with enough physical duress (and there is evidence that there was enough) their sexual urges and reflective ability would be limited. I really hate it how this massive faggot labels peoples dreams as "surrogate" implying that a subsistance existance with no time for thought or individual greatness is what is preferrable. If I may engage in some psychologizing in return I might say that this betrays a desire for death for after all the joys Ted implies the life of an average prehistorical man entails his time to enjoy these supposed suculent fruits of ignorance would be short as the historical evidence suggests very short life spans. And yet there are retarded educated individuals who can't see this in this modern age. The nostalgia faggotery is strong in this one.

Regarding the fan fiction about the psychology of leftists unabomber has, well it might be true or might not for it is pure psychologizing, it could as easily be that leftists believe what they say they believe and are irrational in how they want to achieve their goals because of how passionately they believe in the values of our Judeo-Christian slave morality. The idiot then goes on to critisize the right for not wanting to be paupers yet wanting to prevent the social changes due to technological progress through authoritarianism. This is feasible though I do not want it but uncle Ted cannot see this.

Yet I will give Uncle Ted a cookie for being a good boy for realizing the need in individuals for a sense of autonomy in his pursuits. Of course what uncle Ted does not understand that people are willing to sacrifice autonomy in some base respects in order to gain autonomy in others. To put this as bluntly as I can people PREFER to live in western civillization because even if it denies them their autonomy in making their own food is because it offers them greater autonomy in more elaborate and glamourous pursuits. Another cookie for realizing that people can pursue these in small groups only but one cookie less for not realizing that though society appears large it is still made of small groups who do all the oppresion he whines about (and again there is no historical evidence to suggest that small groups were anymore tyrranical to the individual in the past). It seems to me uncle Ted is growing lonely after moving to the middle of fucking nowhere with no ambition.

Personally what disgusts me about Unabomber and his sympathies is their lack of compassion and crude materialism. I bet they imagine somekind of small happiness, you know the usual 2.15 kids, white picket fence, identical home, cute loving wife minus the the car, socially mobile friends and corporate job plus some inhumanely friendly relatives and a farm where he grows his own food. Unabomber mocks the soldier as an animalistic fighter and a tool of his superior because he cannot fathom how a rational man would find it reasonable to bravely sacrifice that little dream of happiness I described for the sake of a loyalty to some abstract principles. Basically uncle Ted is an hedonist, a pragmatic hedonist but an hedonist nonetheless. I am a pragmatic hedonist too but I know I am one whereas I am not sure he does. As I said uncle Ted is lonely and he cannot imagine being able to have a genuine personal loyalty with others(especially of the opposite sex) in the modern world because he seems to believe that we have attached our loyalty to abstract principles (what he calls morality). He imagines that if this was the prehistoric world he would be able to form such a connection because there would be no other alternative than for small groups of people to get along. Actually the alternative is to kill, rape and pillage and hoard all the women and the food like some sort of Lord, actually exactly like some sort of Lord as the genetic evidence seems to imply. Also why can't he stop capitalizing like some fucking fedora tipping fat faggot breathing down my back, I notice I capitalized a word once too out of annoyance.

Also, no, leftists do not want minorities to act like white people. This is a cheap right wing point. Leftists want everyone to get along. Music and food and religion are not some unimportant detail as uncle Ted seems to imply. Once again uncle Ted shows his inability to grasp that absract ideas are the motor of history and instead falls down the hegelelian nonsense of viewing history mechanistically believing that technical progress is the motor of ideas (of course not his ideas only those of others). Unironically he refers to "the system" by which ofcourse he means society which he laments kills the loyalties of smallscale groups when in fact it is the other way around - society is a bunch of smallscale groups trying to assert each of their interests over those of others. This has always been the case despite the lower population because of scarcity and economic scarcity used to be much worse so a greater amount of land would neeed to be conquered from a small group to support another small group. I have seen estimates for the population of the Roman Empire to have been as low as sixy million people as many who now live in the small island of Britain today. What Ted somehow forgets to spell out from the onset in clear terms is that if he were to get his way then most people including Ted hopefully would be dead. The reason that the population rose rapidly in the industrial revolution is not because people started to have more children but rather because people, both young and old, including uncle Ted's ancestors stopped dropping dead like flies. I have no social skills and so hate being with people but it is amazing just how misanthropic some supposedly intelligent people can be sometimes.

I find it funny how uncle Ted bemoans "oversocialization" of people who are too socialized when in fact the issue is the opposite that wealth is so bountiful that timid, fragile people like he and I can get by materially without socializing with others to the extent that our need for autonomy, our will to get things our way in every part of every social process, grows to such an extent that we have become incapable getting along deeply with even a small group of people thus leading to loneliness and in his case murderous stupidity too.

He is whinning about there not being enough nepotism. Nigga please. Most people have the same social status as their parents so reality begs to differ. He claims that in pre-industrial large cities there were less psychological problems than today. How does he know this? I don't know. Now he is going on about the mental health of those on the American frontier with no evidence again. I am losing the will to read. I am not even half way through. I bothered to look at some of the references he dropped but then realized he was referencing himself lol.

Next we have here some top kek nonsense about American pioneers having a choosing their own destiny when they choose whatever plot of land they could get. If they are choosing their own destiny then how is someone who buys some property in a city not choosing their own destiny? No, because why? See they haven't put enough effort according to uncle Ted the arbirter of the value of effort. It's almost as if he thinks that there weren't tyrannical hierarchies and divisions of labour in small groups travelling in 19th century America. My head hurts reading this ahistorical nonsense.

"We contend" He says. Oh so he is an enemy of all civillizations now. He doesn't seem to understand that more likely than not he would be some serf or minion down in the hierarchy rather than some sort of egalitarian agrarian or hunter gatherer group. Also before I forget he attributed the hedonistic threadmill of seeking more power and more greatness to satisfy one's ambition as something particular to modern civilization when in fact it is more likely that the ambitions of many were blown asunder by sheer drudgery for all we know. What he hates the most of the civilization it seems is the pursuit of greatness and ambition opting instead for this agrarian utopia of mediocrity where everyone has their bit of farm land, their wife and children.

Uncle Ted really has an hatred of ambition really which is why he idolizes an animalistic existance in which one's ambition is supposedly no more than procuring one's food, shelter and sex. How does he know that primitive man had no more ambition? I do not know. If I were to speculate as he does I suppose an empty stomach leaves little space for more ambition and the occasional small pleasures of say a good harvest or a good hunt may satisfy these weak, fragile men living and dying more at the behest of nature than we are. Uncle Ted thinks that we live in world where society has replaced nature's role when in fact what precious little power we have gained over the natural forces means that all we have achieved, all of our greatness lies on the edge of a sharp blade kept from falling off into the abyss of ignorance and death he desired through our seemingly boundless ingenuity.

Uncle Ted thinks that there are no difficult things that modern men want to achieve and can achieve and yet he has the gall to call us defeatist? Oh no he is just being realistic of course. The only thing he can think of is the effort to do a job. It does not dawn on him for a moment that someone may hold down a job they do not like for other reasons than the immediate physical needs such as saving enough money to buy some property or to create something. No, of course not. The pathetic state he had let himself fall into when he was finally caught showed in my opinion that he was a man with no dreams who could only imagine satisfaction in a state of exhaustion, lack of reflection and hunger.

Ha the paranoid, envious anti-consumenrist advertising and marketing nonsense again. Have these people not read the bible and its images of Heaven? Why do these fools from the right and the left believe that a desire for material sucess is socially engineered by a kabal of advertising men? The desire for glamour and greatness is natural hence all the stories of princes and princesses rather than serfs. Of David the giant killer becoming rich and Jack and the beanstalk. There is nothing "artificial" about these needs! Oh my god that word again "surrogate" implying that wanting to live it large is some kind of mental illness whereas ascetism is the deviant thinking which is anti-life and anti-greatness and so more nearer to a mental illness than consumerism. The idiotic thing about this anti-consumerist feeling is that those who are into it also advocate for people to become creators of their own goods but never to create it in excess and exchange for other goods you might desire because ultimately these fools believe in some form of a labour theory of value. That without going through the tedious work necessary to create a beautiful picture then that picture is somehow worthless. I am not saying that there is something wrong with the vanity which comes with the ability to do something hard but after a certain point it is nothing more than the satisfaction of a draft animal if you try to reduce the utility of every goal to the effort it requires. Also I might add that that naturalist perverts like uncle Ted have a tendency of equating what is "artificial" or in other words man made to something which is not genuine, a fake except of course this is only done when it is convenient to their talking points. In uncle Ted's case the realness and naturalness of a goal is limited to upto it makes human life possible at all. Prosperity is a fake thing in his eyes because it is man made.

It simply does not occur to uncle Ted that the search for a "surrogate activity" i.e. the search for a purpose more than merely existing is a modern phenomonon because people are free from hard labour and so think about such things on their own accord rather than easily manipulated by evil greedy advertising men. Why the fuck is he listing "sex, love, status, revenge" under physical necessities? It seems more like a list of things he would like to have rather than anything strictly necessary for survival which because otherwise his distinction between "physical necessities" and "surrogate activities" is purely arbitrary.

What a rosy picture does this faggot have of running a small business? He keeps on repeating the word autonomy, autonomy while dismissing all the sacrifices necessary to achieve one's goals as evils of the modern world. Does it not occur to him that people are willing to be employees because they have lives outside of their jobs or because they are collecting money to start their own business. Does he think that in the past starting your own business was ever easy? Actually why does he whine at all about the difficulties of being a businessman while at the same time whinning about how modern life is too eay. Now he whines about the rules and regulations of society as if there weren't any limits in the past set by nature if not other people.

Now he is whinning about how our lives are in the hands of other people, usually a few powerful people. Does he think this was any different in small tribes lead by a few strongmen? What about the dangers of nature and disease which killed and destroyed more than anything in many painful ways? What about the need for security then? What dreadful cherrypicking. What a load of rubbish.

Oh once again he is divining the psychology of primitive men by looking at the contents of what comes out of his arsehole the orifice he wrongly calls his mouth. "Primitive man, threatened by a fierce animal or by hunger, can fight in self-defense or travel in search of food" Yeah or he can overwhelmed and murdered by animals or other tribes or starve in hopelessness while searching for food. I think I am going to stop soon this is too stupid. "He can accept the risk of disease stoically" yeah and yet for some reason he can't stoically accept the risk of death by man-made threats, also why the fuck does he think that there were no man-made threats in the prehistoric past. There are bones of ancient even pre-human tribes buried showing signs that they were murdered probably by another tribe.

Again this retard lists religion and the ability to choose who we sleep with in the modern world as "UNIMPORTANT". My expectations were too high for this caliber of retardation. I heard he was educated but maybe uncle Ted was one of those weird academics who are knowledgeable on something like mathetematics but the rest of their brain is mush.

"obsession with longevity and maintaintaining physical vigour and sexual attractiveness to an advanced age is a symptom of unfulfillment resulting from deprivation with respect to the power process" Yeah because the idea of personal immortality is some kind of evil modern invention. Also he whines about how hard it is to live alone in the wilderness or be an independent businessman rather than employee. Cry me a river.

He is whinning about there not being enough nepotism. Nigga please. Most people have the same social status as their parents so reality begs to differ. He claims that in pre-industrial large cities there were less psychological problems than today. How does he know this? I don't know. Now he is going on about the mental health of those on the American frontier with no evidence again. I am losing the will to read. I am not even half way through.

He is whinning about there not being enough nepotism. Nigga please. Most people have the same social status as their parents so reality begs to differ. He claims that in pre-industrial large cities there were less psychological problems than today. How does he know this? I don't know. Now he is going on about the mental health of those on the American frontier with no evidence again. I am losing the will to read. I am not even half way through.

"In primitive societies life is a succession of stages. The needs and purposes of one stage having been fulfilled, there is no particular reclutance on passing to the next stage." You heard him primitive people didn't care about ageing, disease or dying. Uncle Ted said so, so it must be true. He thinks that primitive societies were monogamous. I can't even... And that people accepted child bearing stoically rather than because they had no other choice other than not having sex. Again what the fuck is he going on about primitive man without having any historical record about how he thought... We are reaching Rosseau's noble savage levels of retardation here.

The "system gives them opportunities" What the fuck is the system. Is it other people? I am not sure anymore. One moment he whines about how hard it is to be an atomized individual and the next he whines about their being too many opportunities. Jesus some people are so fucking picky.

I am starting to think more and more that minimalism and anti-consumerism are ways for mediocre people to feel like they are superior at everything than ordinary and more sucessful people. Basically another form of ascetism.

Is uncle Ted Nietzche's last man? Not quite but the unhapiness and rejection of life displayed by appointing himself the judge and jury of existance itself. It is all so pathetic and disgusting and disingenuous even more so than leftists he critisizes. I didn't think it was possible at first but he did it.

He admits he was oversimplifying when he claimed that advertisers brainwash us to not want to be paupers but then repeat the same claim. How cute. He reitarates his vague differentiation between physical necessities and "surrogate activities" in a pathetic attempt to demean the culture around the things people love and have invested their time and effort in to create something beautiful. But none of that pleases uncle Ted who dreams of being a sexless diseased hunter gather being mauled to death by some animal. He pathetically believes that if only he was born into prehistory he wouldn't be a beta male.

The section on scientists starts off with some idiotic nonsense about how because something is not interesting to anyone then no one can be really curious about it genuinely except as the supposed "surrogate activity."

Next uncle Ted redifines freedom as being free to pursue the "real goals" as opposed the goals which you want to pursue because you are modern man. The mental gymnastics are phenomenal here. Any passion or ambition to be more than a savage is to be killed. Freedom is being at the mercy of nature supposedly.

Next he defines freedom as him having his stuff published in the press regardless of if editors think people will find this dross interesting or whether the owners of newspapers approve of it because they don't deserve freedom. What an entitled asshat. Apparently if everyone doesn't publish his stuff he isn't free. Poor uncle Ted.

Next he writes some stunningly retarded shit that life in America would most probably not be that different from what it is if the Founding Fathers had not declared independence from Britain. Just when I though he was sounding reasonable. Well, starting to anyway.

Listening to what this retard wants makes me want to support the government and the beaureacratic organizations. I know I am having a James Burnham moment right now. It will pass in as soon as I stop reading this nonsense hopefully. Malthusian trap nonsense. Uncle Ted positions himself as an enemy of technology but really he should be considered an enemy of culture. I think he is right when he says that primitive man could hours on end just sitting after doing his work because he was satisfied. I would add that he was satisfied because his head is empty. Uncle Ted makes a false distinction between gaining power and gaining freedom which is revealed in his warning against leftist ideals of equality and so on because after his special revolution power is invariably going to a few authoritarian tribe leaders who are the only ones going to have a say in most small tribes. All in all Uncle Ted's manifesto helped me find a newfound respect and admiration for technocrats.

An Addendum: The only thing more cringe than a smug atheist is a smug atheist pretending to be a Christian(Particularly a Catholic). Luke Smith (and for that matter Jordan B. Peterson and Peter Hitchens), is another one of those vaguely anglo-saxon, vaguely protestant atheists. This is more common on the right now but it used to be common on the left too. As Orwell, the quintessential anglo-protestant-atheist, said of I think Evelyn Waugh or some other insufferable anglo-catholic-commie (though I am sure it wasn't directed at Graham Greene) you wouldn't consider going to hell if you really believed in it. There is a context to what Orwell said this, basically the Anglo-Catholic-Commie wrote a novel about a self-insert character who considers adultery or sex before marriage(can't remember which it was doesn't matter for damnation) and risk damnation in order to save the life of some insufferable whore-damsel in distress. Orwell points out that if one really believed in hell and was not larping(live action role-playing) as Christian for virtue-signalling brownie points then one wouldn't consider going to hell for some random broad.

The offended way in which Luke Smith reacted when someone suggested that marriage might not make sense as an instutuition suggests that he too has that soggy dream in mind but cannot bring himself to say it because he would not be able to take it seriously the moment he put it into words. This is the same reason he mocks protestants for actually believing in the bible's epistomological claims upon which the Christian way of life is based.

Entry 9: Life is a sunk-cost fallacy [link]

18/05/2020 I mean if you take life to its logical conclusion then it is a sunk cost fallacy which is why I don't take people who bring up logical fallaciesi seriosly after a certain point. I mean if they were serious about them they should have killed themselves by now. Although I find it interesting to discuss issues logically (or "rationally" as in through reason alone as some would put it) it is just entertainment for me. The truth is that I am an hedonist utilitarian so if something isn't useful to me then it doesn't matter to me whether it makes logical sense whereas if something is not logical but is useful I will use it knowing that it has a weakness in plain sight, that it is not genuine. This is the limitation that Luke Smith seems to have with Christianity, he is just larping (live action role playing) at being a Christian. The reason that he and others like him can't stand protestantism and see it as the cause for the fall of European civillization is because they correctly identify that Protestanism is Atheism ver They are chuunibyous who want to role play and want others to role play 24/7 to act like their fake image of the past until they believe in their own glamourous delusions and start tilting windmills like Don Quixote. At heart just like Don Quixote these people want a bit of gravitas and quite frankly glamour to their ordinary material lives marred by petty selfishness of their own and of other people. This is why people like Luke Smith (and the Academic Agent) hate when modern people desecrate ancient myths by using them in video games or when protestant like muslims in persia desecrate zoroastrian architecture. They don't want their stage play props, be they literary or architectural props to be replaced by the protestant-atheist puritanical zeal which questions the past and might expose once having run out of zeal the petty materialism and micro-economizing minus the vain-glorious props which rendered romanticism unto crude material life. Of course the protestant-atheists are searching for some vanity and glory and edifying truth, they are not mere vandals, but the orthodox defenders of these props at heart know there is nothing but words and song not even conjuring tricks at the heart of things which is why they sneer at and dismiss the various cults of reason now that they can't persecute them.

I don't know much about software but Luke Smith has got charisma. I think he is one of those people who have a baselessly rosy view of the past but rather than the recent past I think his rosy lenses are aimed at an earlier, more theoritical and less historical past. For example I think that his view about the relationship between men and women in the past is ahistorical but he is closer to the truth than most when he observes that the reason that there are so many sexless losers like me is because we are not useful to women. What is ahistorical about his view is that he thinks that things were not like this in the past which can be simply divined by the mere fact that the we have as many of twice female ancestors than male ancestors. Nevertheless his advise and example is useful to a modern man because in the modern world thanks to the "bugmen" he so dismises have made it materially possible for Luke and others to afford to carve out an independence existance in the modern world without abandoning technology and ancient texts but rather trying to understand both and keep both minimal.

Luke struck a cord with me when he said that men in their early twenties are obsessed with women and what women think of them because I am just like that. I guess Luke would call me a simp, a simple man. This is not a particularly deep but coupled with his criticism of bugmen who work some kind of corporate job it implied that the reason that these men became bugmen is for the approval of women or at least to avoid the disapproval of the women in their lives. It may seem unfair to put this judgemnental class prejudice at the feet of women but I feel it much easier to dismiss and shrug off the disapproval of men than women because I am not sexually attracted to men. I am a simple man. I am not sure whether Luke's dating advise is anywhere as effective as it is appealing and edifying - to abandon the wish for the approval of girls for the sake of getting that approval seems to be psychologically impossible - I mean if I didn't want the approval of girls then why would I want the approval of girls and so why would I want to not want the approval of girls and so on... But it would be pretty neat if I could convince myself that I don't want what I can't get except I can't because as with modern european protestanism there is this huge weakness which is a target to mere sight which is that neither I nor they really believe it.

I skipped lessons today as well because I didn't do the homework I was emailed. I am already regretting it as the longer I am absent the harder it is to show my face. If I want to get a job in aircraft maintainance and ascend to the bugmen world from this simulacrum of a womb that is being a NEET living with my parents then this won't do. Like Luke I too wish to be independent and not to have anyone be dependent on me. I feel like I am chained to my parents and that they are chained to me. Of course I can't really be independent and not sure whether I would like it if I could but at least I would rather my place not be that of an insect or of one who keeps others the way an antkeeper keeps his ants. Office blocks and apartment complexes really do aesthetically resemble the kind of structures that insects build scaled up. I really liked the small town in Tuscany called Lucca, everything in it made me feel human sized rather than like an insect the way those large structures in the skylines of large cities in daylight make me feel. The night makes look almost everywhere better and cooler though including those tower blocks and sky scrapers, if only they could be kept in a perpetual night I would feel more comfortable there.

I doubt my life can be poetic so I atleast wish I could afford for it to be literary. Maybe I should add a link to my paypal on the front page to that end. If only I could make money from this website I wonder whether I would get tired working on it as it would feel like a side-hustle or would I warm up to it even further and nourish it like a plant I nursed to grow so tall. If I were a parent I would only know to treat my child well like a fucking plant too which is why I don't want to be a parent - I doubt I would be able to love or grow attached to my children in any other way sadly. Then again I am in my early twenties and may be talking out of my wrong end. The reason I believe this might be the case is because I have seen parents grow so irrationally attached to their children in my case I worry that it might be an hereditary feature.

I feel like installing Arch linux and destroying my current work-flow on Linux Mint out of curiosity. I mean yeah I could give some reasons like the Holy Arch User Repository and the Divine Arch Wiki or the Demonic Flatpacks. At some point I want to install arch but I don't want to brick my machine so that I can update this site.

I switched to the Blue-Submarine theme because the black theme messed with the text fields on Pale Moon.

Physical exercise feels contrived and the only alternative I find at least somewhat interested in is dancing... but only a little bit. Maybe if it was related to anime... but no...

My parents are going to be married for 25 years in a few days. Mom and sis are baking a cake for that while bickering about my sister's lack of cooking skills (confusing tea spoons of sugar with table spoons of sugar and the like) . Well for sis it probably doesn't matter why the cake is made lol. I don't know how to congratulate my parents. I went out for a walk at the park nearby. The old bridge looks as splendid as ever though I did get some sewage smells from the pavement on my way there. There were a few joggers and drinkers at the park but in the evening it is pretty empty more so now because of coronachan.

>Entry 8: I feel sick[link]

16/05/2020 I have been sleeping the whole day and night the last few days. I just feel exhausted and restless. That is why I could not update this site. Honestly I feel like I am going to give up on this site too as it too like everything else feels like a burden rather than a pleasure.

That web page with a list of anime music is still not done. Honestly I find it hard to motivate myself to work on this site or on the visual novel project I have started. It feels like what is the point if I am just going to do something that has already been done? I mean there is nothing special about being the first at anything but a lot of 'creative' work is actually tedious, painfully tedious so I need some justification for throwing away hours at some project.

I think that Goethe comes closest to spelling out my worries though of course they are a bit different in my case. I have been wondering whether what I want is just money for shelter, food and sex and yet at times I feel like there is something more romantic and refined and great which is why I invariably embark on some failed project after another. It is like there are two different people in me. A Tasso and Antonio, a Holmes and a Watson, a Sancho Panza and a Don Quixote. I think I am projecting this kind of dualism onto my relationships and my perceptions of other groups and people. For example my inability to get along with my parents and my sister is because I feel that they are too materialistic, baser and more in tune with the facts of life and generally a threat to my baseless, emotional Romantic feeling of superiority and disdain for the facts of life. In a way the ascetic ideal blends in with a kind of hedonism in me.

And yet no matter how unreasonable it may be I find it hard to see anything remakeable in the "well-adjusted" man who rationally pursues social status but is devoid of culture, of a sense of history or of a inner life. Not just my family but I tend to view other people in this way too generally. For example my feelings towards women in my life have been twisted into a similar sort of disdain for them by projecting onto them a sort of merchantilist almost to the point of asexual, so down-to-earth that it is crawling on the ground, grasping, quite frankly money-grubbing psychology which is infinitely more inline with the material facts of life but is also so disgusting it makes life itself disgusting!

Of course I know that it is not true that I am a hopeless romantic and that all women are power-worshipping gold-digging whores riding the cock-carousel and then meta-morphosing into money-grubbing, goblin-faced, drooping, nagging middle aged women but sure as hell does feel that way!

The truth is that I am weaving some kind of story that santifies/sanitizes me for my lack of sexual appeal and demonizes/dirties those whose perception has made it so. The problem is that there is something very uncomfortable to feel judged that way as one invariably is so it is easier to play a UNO card to turn the tables with the shrill laughter of children. Of course when I wait for a moment and think about it, it is that in the end my perception of myself is dependent on those of others (to put it bluntly, other people live in my head rent-free), especially women in my case, and my romantic self cannot stand the realization that my more down to earth side can see so it invokes a false mirth.

Probably I will be so embarassed by what I wrote on this site that I will abandon and/or delete everything. For the record I do not believe that men, especially low status men (let's face it, losers) necessarily have an intrinstic romantic self but rather it is because of our lack of economic, social value, class and our idleness that we build castles from effeminate, refined, hysterical, perverted (in every sense of the word) ascetic-hedonism or hedonistic-ascetism. It is almost filling the void left by a lack of material independence with a supposed spiritual indendence just moral virtue often fills the void left by a lack of material virtue (basically if there was no economic scarcity then there would be no need for good and evil).

The reason I indulge in Hentai manga over ordinary porn is probably an attempt to bridge that gap between the finer feelings and the baser feelings. Probably most art depicting sex too attempt to breach this divide and bring a kind of friendship between the two sides of people like me who have sexual urges which are there for very practical, materialistic reasons of prosperity but who also long for something more elaborate, refined, with a soul rendered unto it by the conscious, tedious effort of the artist drawing perverse thoughts with the highest craftsmanship. It is just that there is an undeniable, obvious antagonism between these two sides because whereas one is practical the other is unpractical whereas one has a point the other looks more seemingly pointless. I think that in the end sadly as always one individual will have to come on top for there to be any desicion making. It is like some sort of feudal society beneath the surface appearances to the point where it is so even within my own mind.

I want to read Wilhem Meister but I am afraid it will be some sort of Charles Dickens like affair where the author gets distracted with making quirky characters to the point where this takes precedence over the purpose of the story. Goethe was a sucessful man both in terms of social status and as an artist but to be honest I am not confident I can do either let alone both! And yet if I don't achieve both I am afraid I will remain an awfully lopsided individual like Nietzche's dwarf with a giant ear. I mean Goethe was some kind of polymath with an IQ of maybe even 200 wheres I am barely 115. A totally average mind and a below average everything else. Ultimately I think Goethe was a rational man and I am an emotional man.

I have heard there are legal brothels in Japan for every fetish in Japan except sex which is fine by me - why would I want to stick my penis in a flesh wound. I know it sounds gay. Did I say that I started playing the Fate/stay night realta nua ultimate edition visual novel. It is a fan version of the fate/stay night vn which includes the sex scenes from the original, decensored by fans (seriously the Japanese must have so much weird porn to make up for the fact that all their porn is censored with mosaics), music from the ps vita realta nua remake and so on - it is a fan made mix of the two ironically superior to the official stuff. I also bought a second hand epson printer because I needed the scanner to send a bunch of my dad's stuff to the accountant for tax nonsense purposes. Seriously accountants feel like a sort of class of mandarin leeches when running a small business and having to do your taxes. We must have paid thousands of pounds to our accountant by now and yet it is so hard to talk with him. I installed a great looking theme for linux mint MATE called BlackMATE from the official MATE theme package although I am debating whether to install a more modern, flat icon pack. I actually do like the detailed 3D icons with shadows.

I was at the shop this morning, it was dreadfully boring. Thankfully too many weirdos didn't show up. I have skipped two online lessons, I was actually listening to some renpy tutorials while pretending to listen to the inhumanely boring lectures. I don't know how to show my face up on Monday after having done no work.The reason I didn't show up was because of the homework on top of the unbearably boring aircraft structure lectures. Maybe like Goethe I should buckle up and do the unplesantly boring work for money for that independce and Japanese massage parlours I dream of. I would rather make a living as an artist of some sort but that honestly doesn't seem realistic. First of all I don't even have an idea what my craft should be as an artist. I keep on wavering from one medium to the next. For now I have settled on Visual Novels but who knows tomorrow I will feel like I should be writing a novel instead or writing a manga and then when it comes to actually doing the thing I will be bored by the actual progress of making them too. I am easily bored to the point where it is destroying my life and yet I can't seem to see it as a fault in my character rather than a failure in reality to live up to my fantastic expectations. Ofcourse I know that this is an idiotic course of thought and yet it does not feel so and only fuels my misplaced sense of superiority and fake tragic life.

>Entry 7: Accreditation and Licensing limit competition[link]

10/05/2020 I and my mom applied for a license to sell alcohol in our shop two months ago and when I emailed the council it turns out our application was lost somewhere in the beaureaucratic hell which is state intervention. The arguments given for licensing are almost always false and the real reason for licensing is to put the interests of one group in the short run by limiting competition into the market. The "legal" market anyway. Menthol cigarettes are also going to be banned for some idiotic reason which is going to in effect increase sales for substitutes. The reason that the healthcare market and the construction market keep getting more expensive in the long run unlike most other markets is because of all the regulation around it. The net effect of this is less competition which leads to less progress in the long term for the sake of short term safety.

I am already out of my depth when it comes to the visual novel project I have started. I know it is going to involve dating a set of heroines all leading to a different ending but I am not sure about anything else other than that. I have felt at times that it would be better and more productive if I scaled down my project to a web novel or a web comic - after all I enjoy consuming these mediums much more than visual novels but I feel that the future of entertainment lies in video games. Sure web novels and comics will be around and flourish because they are so much cheaper to produce and perhaps it is visual novels which are getting less popular and yet I see a possibility for expansion in the future of visual novels. Particularly that virtual reality visual novel by the writer of spice and wolf and his circle seemed pretty impressive if a bit too short. It is a pity that they don't keep adding new content to that virtual reality visual novel like when a new volume gets added to a story.

I am not satisfied about how the Japanese notes page turned out but I worked so much on it I have decided to release it so that I don't give up on this website too.

I started watching One Piece. I have watched five episodes and I was not impressed. The animation was a lot better than I expected from the first episodes of such an old show but I was really bored and annoyed by Luffy's backstory for why he became a pirate. Actually Luffy's character is quite a bit annoying too because it feels like he is just acting like he is dumb. Maybe it gets better later on but the battles so far have been too childish for my tastes plus I haven't really got much to write about it. I have heard that Nami's tits get bigger as the story goes on and I don't want to miss out on that but other than that if this show didn't have the reputation it does by this point I would not be considering watching anymore episodes. Zoro is the only character I have liked thus, hopefully as more ship mates join up like the avengers we will get less of Luffy or perhaps Luffy might grow on me the way Goku has done. Speaking of which after that boring long mess that was the Buu saga and the start of GT I have not touched Dragonball in quite a while. I kind of want to see Goku again though. It is a pity that Vegeta's development as a character is constantly repeating though. Dragonball was the best until the Cell saga and I also liked the romcom superhero thing with Gohan and Videl after the cell saga. It was fun seeing Gohan hiding his powerlevel from Videl and V slowly getting wooed by Gohan's strength. The question is, would it have been better if Goku remained dead and Gohan became the main character? I don't know. On the one hand I hate it when stories change the main character which is part of why I don't like the Jojo's Bizarre Adv series but on the other hand I don't see how Goku's character could grow any further but maybe I just lack the imagination. I have kind of grown out of Shounen anime and I need a little bit more ecchi and anime aimed more at Otaku's or at least highschoolers. I am curious if One Piece changes as its audience ages.

I have been putting off doing homework forever because the only reason I am studying is for the money and the independence and female approval/attention that that status could potentially buy me. I need a more short-term craving to do something and the only short term craving for studying is the feeling of satisfaction I get when passing exams and when technical concepts make sense in my mind but these things have proved to be insufficient to keep me going especially when I feel that there is something else I should be aiming for. In the end I have achieved nothing. I feel that perhaps if

Entry 6: Youkoso[link]

07/05/2020I started working on my Japanese revision notes and it turned into a sort of list of Japanese words I have heard. I am working on like five pages and none of them are ready to be published.

Our shop received a bill of 900 pounds for 3 months. We are also having problems related to our new supplier. I helped mom at the shop for around three hours mainly trying to sort out the new supplier via web chat cause I can't into phone calls especially with Scotchmen.

The tabbed terminal thing on linux mint mate is awesome, the mouse was a mistake so I am trying to do everything via keyboard. It is hard to retrain myself but also satisfying.

Had lessons for around 2 and a half hours but it felt like twice that time and I didn't listen to a single word except that I have to answer the questions in the book as homework.

Spent most of last night sorting out a list of visual novels from a thread on /v/. Had to use timeshift to restore a back up on linux mint because mate tweaks and an ubuntu theme just slowed everything down to a crawl on my ancient Dell machine. I have decided to stick with what comes out of the distro by default for the most start as those customizations isn't worth all the glitches and problems they cause. I guess if I installed something like Arch Linux this wouldn't be as much of a problem as I would know what the hell was on my computer but I don't want to risk messing with my linux mint installation which actually works.

Anyway I am going to publish that visual novel list with some additions. Mum and dad are worried they have coronavirus because their throats hurt. Sis has decided not to apply to Edinburgh uni for a masters degree because it costs £16k. My visual novel project is going nowhere fast, I have no idea what I am doing and I haven't even started.

I downloaded 13GB of books from the anime general thread on ic. I am planning to draw my own character sprites and backgrounds. It's all a bunch of images rather than pdfs or ebooks which is rather annoying. Looks like I forgot to add the dates in the last few diary entries. I can't remember what they are so I guess it is too late.

Entry 5: So much to do so little time[link]

I feel like I have so many things to do I can't actually start doing anything. I posted that eva-retake web page yesterday night and I went to sleep at 5am. I had online video lessons from 10am to 1pm on Aircraft engineering legislation. It was god awful and boring. I was planning to add a page with my revision notes for aircraft engineering but honestly I cannot think of a way to integrate it into my otaku identity. Sure there are aircraft otaku but am I one of them? Hell no. I am in it for the social shame of being a NEET.

I may have to go to give mom her lunch today as well because dad's pain in throat has not gone away. Mom made me transfer 500 sterling pounds with an online service. I hope it goes through because otherwise I will get blamed for it not going through.

My head hurts a bit because I went to sleep late yesterday but not that much. I live in dread of when face to face classes will start again. I have three huge web page projects in mind now: a fitness page probably based on the "Do you lift?" manga, an aircraft engineering revision notes page (at least I will get a web page out of it) and a japanese healthy food cooking page. I should probably start by creating blank web pages for them on my dropbox folder so I don't forget them. I know dropbox is not open source or private but I don't consider what I put on it to be private and there are no real open source free alternatives to dropbox. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for a nextcloud server at the moment. I have tried using a thumb drive to carry my files around but it is just a pain in the ass and I am much more likely to lose/misplace/damage my thumb drive than for the dropbox servers to go down. Given that the folders are also stored on my machines unlike google drive (there probably is someway to install google drive but dropbox is straightforward and I don't need more than 2GB for a bunch of text files.

I got the vim editor working in the windows command terminal thing and it worked well enough. It really is a fun editor to use much better than having to click everywhere and learn to use different GUIs all the effing time. My sister is oversleeping these days. It is 1.30pm and she is still in her bed. Everyday before going to bed she comes to my room where there is free wifi from a shop below our flat in order to download a few 1 hour korean drama episodes that should go someway to explain her sleepiness. Also unlike me she actually revises her studies though she complains about how boring biochemistry is. Unlike her unfortunately I can't force myself to something I find boring.

I helped mom for an hour or so at the shop and I don't feel like doing anything.

Entry 4: Busy Doing Nothing[link]

Last night I downloaded 17 free visual novels on steam to play on linux. I tried to run that deTECTIVE VISUAL NOVEL, tHE dEVIL oN A g-sTRING ON MY LINUX MACHINE WITH WINE BUT SOUND DIDN'T WORK AND SOME ALPHA-NUMERICAL CHARACTERS DID NOT DISplay properly. Later I am going to try and see whether I can run it on my windows 7 starter virtual machine. Hopefully any of the free visual novels from steam will work but I doubt any of them will be any good. If this is as far as linux gaming has come then I am not impressed. Then again I saw a bunch of games on the Arch User Repository. I wonder how many of them work. If as many as half listed work that would be a great achievement. I tempted more and more to swith to Arch Linux but then again Debian-based stuff is just in my comfort zone.

I am at the shop this morning again. I left at around 6.45am and forgot to bring my face mask. I hope the milkman doesn't come today. It has been a tranquil Sunday morning though at the back of my head I am tortured by some homework I have not done.

I came across evangelion retake again after so many years. For whatever boring reasons I haven't read it until now. Apparently the all ages version was made later and has some scenes that the adult original version does not have so I am going to read the adult version which came first and then the all ages version. There are also a bunch of spin-offs/short-sequels like "after" and "kai." Re-take is basically a fan continuation of the Neon Genesis Evangelion Ending. I might write a web page about it when I am done or I might not. It is pretty short after all so I may not have enough to say about it to fill an entire web page.

A new chapter of Super Minion came out and so did a new chapter of Valinquer the dragon. I have tried writing web novels myself a few times but I just do not have it in me to write them which begs the question whether it is idiotic that I am trying to create a visual novel. Well, at least with a visual novel there are things to do other than writing and life mostly seems to be about creating pointless but interesting busywork around something.

An old idea just popped into my mind, to make a Japanese cooking portal webpage where I try to cook Japanese food and report on my results. The reason for this is that I have heard that the Japanese eat a better diet and since I am a weeb I think this could count as an otaku activity that I can integrate into my character. Corona-chan ended up being an expensive nothing burger as I expected.

Entry 3: Daily Japanese Thread[link]

02/04/2020 Opened the bloody shop at 6.30am. Will have to do the same tomorrow. Spent most of the day wondering what else I should be adding to this site. The only thing which came to my mind was adding a manga and anime recommendations page but that's just what any weeb on neocities would do. I have decided to go further beyond by learning moonrunes. Not just moonrunes I must try to weave a new narrative for my life through this site and its theme of otaku. A few months ago (or perhaps years - time doesn't flows faster for NEETs) I came across the Daily Japanese Thread on the 4chin /jp/ otaku culture board and also the Japenese guide here on neocities at itazuraneko.neocities.org. I actually first came across the other guide which no longer gets updated or something.

As for Aardwolf MUD I was given a fetch quest and I lost the will to play. I may attempt to play it later. I was thinking of adding a few of my mobile apps on the software page but I am too lazy and mobile apps are kind of a joke anyway. I may add just a few games I have played though given the phones are the poor man's handheld console these days. Don't worry it will only be offline single player games. None of that gatcha online nonsense.

My plan for the Japanese learning progress page is that I have no plan. I haven't even started writing it though I have a few ideas for the all the unimportant url ranging from "jp.html" to "djt.html" amd "weeb.html". I will probably will go with jp even if I don't care for idols. They are just more good-looking women I can't have sex with. I honestly don't see what those weebs on /jp/ see in them even though I am a weeb meself. No I don't want to Japanese though it certainly beat being from the Indian sub-continent. If I could choose a race to be born as it would be as a white guy though honestly this isn't terribly important to me in itself rather it is what follows from it which matters. Though I would rather be a middle-class guy with some character over any of this race stuff. Class is what race is all about when looking at it from how others perceive me but when it is about how I perceive others race is about sex almost totally.

First of all I will work on my japanese learning page on my machine before just starting a blank page. The problem is balancing what you readers find any use in this site with what I will find use. I am always trying to think of it in terms of how the content I post will be useful for me rather than for others. Rather than asking if others will find any use in a web papge I make I try to ask whether I will have any use for it. Ironically I believe that is how to make websites useful for others in the long term then again that is just an untested idea given that I run a site which barely gets any views.

The Prime Minister says that we have passed Corona-chan's peak. Personally I have felt throughout that it was a nothing burger from the start to end (especially after the Chinese numbers dropped dramatically) then again I live in one of the less affected areas. I still can't think of a title for the Japanese learning page. It is tweve twenty pm so I probably should pretend to be sleeping so my mother doesn't shout at me to sleep. She said she was afraid I would end up spending the rest of my life like this in front of a computer. I am worried about that too but somehow I believe that is through that it is by pushing in the same direction which has got me into this trouble that I have any hope of salvation.

Entry 2: Aardwolf[link]

01/04/2020 I spent most of my day playing the Aardwolf mud tutorial academy. I am starting to get interested a bit but I wonder whether it will be another giant waste of time. My internet connection stopped working while doing boring online lessons thankfully so I didn't have to listen to some boring nonsense about aircraft legislation. At lunch I helped mom at the shop and at dinner I helped dad. Tommorow morning I am going to be the one opening the shop which is boring though not as boring as aircraft engineering lessons. I haven't started reading any manga or watching any anime since I caught up with Berserk. The Buu saga in Dragon Z and the Berserk manga have sort of soured me on anime and manga because of how drawn out they were. Tomorrow I am probably going to try to play more Aardwolf mud because so far it has been the only mud with a sensible tutorial. I read an interesting article about the Achea mud, the article itself was boring, it was about the microtransactions in achaea but what interested more was a comment about a player who claims to have never paid anything for six years and simply role played. What was more interesting is how he explained that unlike in games like wow where there is nothing to do when waiting for an expansion in achaea there is something always happening thanks to the player run guilds and cities in the game. The thing which keeps me away other than my lack of funds really is my fear of roleplay and of not roleplaying properly which is why I am trying to get into muds through a none-roleplaying game like aardwolf... This is all new to me as I am used to story based single-player games like Pokemon. If nothing else I hope to make a friend or two through muds as I feel lonely.

Entry 1: Happy B'Day to Myself[link]

30/04/2020 I am 23 years old today but I feel more like I am thirty. When I am thirty, if I live that long I will feel like I am 50 or something. I made some phone calls and sent some messages to relatives and old friends pretending to be happy that I am getting old. Mom worked at the shop today so I went to give her her lunch and help her for a few hours. I feel cold and sleepy and my mouth feels a bit stale. This morning I fell asleep and was unable to attend the tedious online lessons. I feel a bit nervous of joining lessons again but it cannot be helped. I was also able to play a bit of Aardwolf MUD tuturial academy and I completed the cook quest in old school runescape. I had to use. On reddit I made a bunch of threads about muds and I got some responses.